Dear Friend,

I honestly have been better.

But today the clouds are rolling in again.

I don't know...

I'm currently in the restroom; I locked myself in the last cubicle and cried. Right now, I'm writing to you and I don't even know what about.

I have this horrible pang in my heart. It is screaming multiple times, saying "YOU ARE STUPID" again and again.

Maybe I am stupid and lazy and fugly.

I don't really know what important thing I have been up to lately. Just keeping afloat I guess.

We just finished a test in foreign language and my brain wants to fall off. Part of me wants to look for a psychiatrist, fast. But another part of me wants to feel depressed all the time. I have cried again and again without knowing why. But now I think I know why... It's because I'm stupid. Like really stupid.

I hear my classmates and they are laughing and talking of wonderful things, but I feel as though I have been left out. Left out of life. 

Your friend,

E.L.E.

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Dear Friend,

My heart pounds heavily.
I whisper, I am better now.
I honestly am.
I am healing and the scars on my thighs and wrists are fading.
I got through this.
Don't get me wrong, I still cry but I have stopped cutting.
It's amazing.
It's a different feeling.
The feeling of self control.
Everything honestly gets better.
Do not give up.
I fought my demons off, it took a while but I did.
And I won.
I'm still alive.

Your friend, 
E.L.E.

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I'm not worth it.

Every day is a journey.

Every day I travel so far and so long.

Looking for something that I know isn't there.

Hope.

I cry at night thinking of how worthless I am.

I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I hope that one day I'd have the courage to do what he did.

To just cut myself till I bleed to death. To jump off a tall building and feel the breeze against my body. Or to point a gun on my head and pull the trigger.

I don't know what I'm scared of anyways I just feel this zeal in my heart that I can't explain.

It stops me when I try to kill myself.

I want to do it quickly and painlessly as much as possible.

I don't know how though...

This world is just not my place.

I don't belong here, you see.

Every single day that I force myself to live is just one more push to the edge.

I am so close to the end yet so far. 

Is there something wrong with me?

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I can't keep living like this.

Smiling whenever I know I need to.

I just can't anymore.

I'm sick and tired of everything.

I'm stuck in this hole and no one wants to help me out.

I'm just too messed up to be fixed.

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Teacher(s)

Why?

The only question I could ask is why. Why do you judge me like that? I see your eyes, your judgmental eyes. I bite my lips till I taste blood covering my mouth. I'm so ashamed. Please don't judge me like that. You are so ignorant.  You are educated but ignorant. You are not fit to be teacher. You shame me till I'd want nothing but to be dead. Everyday I want to go home because of you. You know I am failing, yet you mock me. I'm so ashamed. If I do die, please do not come to my funeral, it will only burden you to do so. You hold the key to my future, yet you chose to throw it away. I work hard yet everything has turned to nothing. I am nothing because of you. You have made me nothing.

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The Letter

Today, I cried in school.
I was slapped, but it really didn't hurt.
So Mei, it's not your fault.
It's mine.
Please don't bear guilt in your heart.
It's not your fault, it's mine.
I'm sorry.

Today, I cried in school.
Mam, I'm sorry I acted without thinking.
I'm really sorry.
I was stupid and immature.
I hope I can make it up to you.
My guilt is filling up and I don't know what to do.
Except to say sorry...
Mam, I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
I'm sorry.

Today, I cried in school.
I'm sorry if you thought I laughed during prayer.
I was nervous.
It was a stutter not a laugh.
I'm sorry if you thought I was disrespectful.
Maybe I am.
And I'm sorry for that.

Today, I cried in school.
I saw their disappointed stares at me.
I'm sorry if I'm a disappointment at home and in school.
I didn't mean to be born this way.
I'm sorry.

Today, I cried in school.
My grades tell me I flunk.
I'm not worth it.
I'm so stupid.
Everything is just so shitty, and I'm sorry.

Today, I cried in school.
I'm sorry, Kevin, if I have been a burden for so long.
I really hope you find a better friend.
I'm sorry if I wasn't a better friend to you.
I only thought of myself and never thought of what you thought.
You'll always be my bestfriend, don't forget that.
I know I hurt you a lot, I'm sorry.

Today, I cried in school.
I'm really sorry for my friends, that they know someone like me.
Someone who has a shitload of problems, and cuts to get rid of them.
I'm really sorry you have to comfort someone like me.
I know it isn't worth it, and I'm sorry for wasting your time.
I'm sorry.

Today, I cried in school.
I didn't mean to.
I tried to hide it but I can't anymore.
My tears have run out and everything is blurred.
I'm sorry for being like this.
I'm really sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm really really sorry.

Please forgive me.

Today, I cried in school.
If ever do anything stupid tonight.
Please forgive me.

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Dear Friend,

How are you?
I hope you have been better.

I on the other hand have not.
Everything is all wrong.
I feel so defenseless, the pain and the misery is here to stay.
I want to kill the monsters inside me, but I can't. 
My cuts are getting bigger and there are now cuts on my thighs.
I've tried screaming, but no one is listening.
So don't you tell me that I didn't try to ask for help.
Because I did tell you that I've started cutting again, if I kill myself tell them the truth...
That this world is corrupt and death was the only way out.

Everyone thinks I'm a failure.
The crack on the street.
A scratch on a polished window.
Everything is just shit now.

My family, my friends, my best friend, everyone is starting to leave and I can't catch up.
I wish I could be gone, just like that. 

I pray that everything would get better but nothing is happening.
Everything is still the same...

Your friend,
E.L.E.

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Dear Friend,

The reason I haven't written in a while is because I thought things would get better, and they did. For a while.
I thought that things would be great after the storm, but the storm came back and I honestly don't know what to do.
I stopped cutting but I started bruising myself. Above my cuts, bruises are all I see. I honestly am so lost.
I really didn't want to get attached but I did, and I thought about what would happen in the future and I just started breaking down again. 
I remember saying, "Everything is so fucked up. " again and again, till I fell asleep.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm in so much pain.
My tears have run out and I've started cutting my thights.
It's stupid, I know.
I really thought everything would be different but it's not.
I just thought that my thighs would have more space to cut, since I'm fat and everything. 

Oh yeah, by the way.
Everyone around have stopped eating.
When my two of my best friends stopped eating, that I could take. 
But now, EVERYONE stopped eating.
I've started sticking my fingers into my throat now.
I don't do it constantly instead when I'm hungry I drink water, but I still get called fat.
I don't know what else to do to lose all this weight.
I just want to be beautiful, like everyone else is. 
Is that too much to ask?

I want to cut again and again.
I just can't take anymore of this...
I'm so sick of everything.  

Your friend,
E.L.E.

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Dear Friend,

I've sick for a few days now.
I'm still not better...
Turns out I have lumps in my throat.
The doctor says I have to get an x-ray soon, I hope that it won't be anything serious.
I'm sorry I haven't written anything for the past few days...
I hope you are well.

Your friend,
E.L.E.

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Dear Friend,

How are you?

I hope you are doing better, as am I.
Tomorrow I will be going back to school, I hope I could hide my scars from them.
I have 10 new scars and a bruise on my hand.
I'm a mess right now.
Yes, it is midnight and my thoughts have drifted away again.
I guess I'll be crying myself tonight as well.
My nights are getting worse.
My mom told me I should stop watching depressing movies, sadly they are the only ones I could relate with.
I'm getting worse and worse everyday and it just generally sucks.
I can't stand on my feet and everything is just bad right now.

I'll get better soon.
I hope.

Your friend,
E.L.E.

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Dear Friend,

I just finished watching The Perks Of Being A Wallflower and I figured, I would write to you too who knows it might make me feel better.

Good Morning Afternoon.
It's really weird because lately I don't even look out my window anymore.
I rarely know what time it is and I don't stand up from my computer chair anymore, I just sit here and stare at my computer.
I'm worse than before.
I've been gone from school for two days now.
People aren't worried about me, you know, they just want to know what happened so they could have something to tell their friends the next day.
I've lost hope and the faith to live.
I can't keep track of time and everything has just turned to crap.
I honestly cannot take one more day of 'smiling'.
I just can't pretend to be something I am not.
I'm not happy okay? I never am and never will be.

I'm currently reading Les Miserables.
It's for my book report, and yes I chose it.
The Miserable's, interesting title huh?
It's a really good book.
It is about a man who goes to jail for stealing bread and a man who is obsessed with justice that he follows this man until the end. Through out the story there are sub-plots and the story ends with a whole lot of deaths.
I want to send you a copy...
If I do, please make sure you read it with precision and emotion.
Inhale the words with your eyes, drink the emotions with your heart.

Anyways, I hope you are well.
Expect a few letters from me soon.

Your companion,
E. L. E.

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Stuck

I stayed home today too.
I feel sick to my stomach when I remember I have to go back to school.
The people sicken me.
No one likes me there anyway.
I hate school.
My thoughts are caged and my mind is forced to memorize formulas and derivations.
My mind is broader than that.
I want to study politics and how the world works, not mathematics and chemistry.
I just want to be free from the chains that bind me to the ground. 

I know I have to go back on Monday.
Fuck everything.
No one knows how much pain I go through.

I ask myself.
Why? Why am I the only one who feels this way?
I look around and I see normal people.
Everyone seems so different from me.
They all seem so stable.
While here I am, a mess.

I haven't stopped crying myself to sleep, hoping nobody else hears.
I don't know what else to do.
I'm stuck.

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[MP3 LINK] The Letter, Game Over, The Darker Side by Jimmy Donn

I know how difficult it is to find downloads of Jimmy Donn's songs.

http://www.4shared.com/mp3/k-RzYPftba/Jimmy_Donn_The_letter_game_ove.html

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How My Day Went...

I'm going to tell you guys about my day...
(lol, as you can imagine it is going to be depressing, but it isn't that sad)

We had our class ceremony, in which our whole batch was in. So, our speaker was a really old lady, she was a Spanish teacher, in her early 80's. She was really slow and she has a really small build. Her hair was glistening white and she wore those old large framed glasses. She started speaking, and she spoke slowly, letting the words roll out her lips. Her slowness eventually was entertainment for the other class so suddenly everyone started laughing. Loud chuckles, and small giggles. Obviously, it pissed her off, but in her age, I guess she would have had enough patience to let it go. Again, after a few minutes, I heard loud chuckles and giggles. She let it go, AGAIN.

I am really pissed about this, because personally, I really do have high respect for people who are older than me.
Especially, those above 60.
It's kind of a tearjerker for me, when I see them having a hard time I kind of cry. (it's weird, i know.)
I just thought of how downhill the respect this generation has for older people, and it kind of enrages me.

Think of your own grandparents, and your own family, going through that. In front of a large amount of people.
What kind of heartless assholes are you?
I am so ashamed to be in the same school as you are.
Do you know how petrifying that was for me to watch?
Do you know how disrespectful that was?
To laugh at someone like that?
In a few years, you will probably not remember this day.
The day you made fun of an old lady.
But I will, this day will be stamped in my heart.
I will always remember the day, I approached that old lady on her way home, and apologized for the immaturity of my batch mates. She simply told me, "I've been teaching in this school for so long, I rarely get mad anymore, but thank you. Thank you." I smiled and quickly turned my head around, because my tears were starting to fall.    

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[Personal Post]

I honestly cannot count how many times I have thought of myself dead.
I honestly cannot think of anymore things to keep me alive.
I honestly would kill myself if I could.
I honestly want to just give up.

Killing myself is the easiest way out as of now.
Everything is a big blur.
I can't go on anymore.
But my family is there and basically that is the only thing that keeps me going.
I have no friends, not anymore.
Today, I realized how replaceable I am.

I just can't stop thinking about death.
I'm not afraid of death itself, but I am afraid that I might miss a lot on life.
I mean my life is fucked up as it is.
But who knows everything might get better.

Today, I got pulled by the arm.
It hurts.

Today, I got screamed at by one of my bestfriends.
I, honestly, deserve it.
I fucked up, everything is just seriously fucked up.
I don't know how long I can go on.
My hand is slipping and I am about to fall.

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There are actually people who go to my blog?

Okay, so for the first time ever, I checked my stats.
It turns out people are looking at my blog!
I apologize profusely for the very personal posts.
But this is just so exciting!

Anyways, if you have any thoughts or things, you'd like to share, feel free to comment!

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I've been watching independent films for a really long time now, and lately I've been addicted to a subsection of indie films. Violent films. Not exactly violent.

We Need To Talk About Kevin
This movie did not only feature one of my favorite actor, he acted superbly as well.
The ending was awesome, and everything just kind of fit together.
I fell in love with the movie, the first time I watched it.

O
O, made me cry. 
I'm going to read Othello soon, since it was based on that book.
It was a really nice movie.
By the end, I was pissed and ready was ready to rage.

Lol, I have more movies to tell you guys, but I'm pretty drained, so... See you all soon.

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Philippines: Lost in Corruption and Poverty

Bakit kayo nag mamakamangmang sa mga bobong politiko?
Kaya iniimbistigahan ng Sandiganbayan ang mga kurakot na yun ay dahil ang publiko ay pinapanood sila.
It would be the 'moral' thing to do.

Yes, DJ Mo might have stepped off the line a little bit, pero to show off your lavish lifestyle in the midst of the astounding poverty in the Philippines, is stupid and insensitive.
This is why I absolutely hate politics, it enrages me.
Taxes are supposed to be given to the poor, not to make the rich richer.

I guarantee you, when the public turns their heads to another political problem, the politicians will be back in their positions.
Kaya lang naman binabantayan sila ngayon ay dahil pinapanood sila ng publiko.
Nagpapakatanga tayo sa mga hampas-lupang magnanakaw na yan. 

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[Personal Post]

I want to cry, but I seem to have lost my tears.
I don't think I can take one more day.
I keep pushing myself, but I just can't.
My heart is slowly starting to die.

I'm afraid, you see.
If I wasn't I would have killed myself already.
I can't take anymore of this.

I don't understand why I'm so different.
I ask God why I am like this.
My classmates are normal and they have stable emotions.
While I don't.
I'm not asking for much, I just want to be like everyone else.

I have a theory.
Those who are pretty and/or thin get everything.
But, those who are ugly and/or fat get nothing.
I'm both ugly and fat so what does that make me.
Don't try telling me otherwise, just to make yourself feel better.
I tried telling myself how pretty and important I am.
You guys proved me wrong.
I actually have you guys to thank for that.

I'm so sick and tired of being tormented in my personal hell.
I'm fighting, but I can't take it anymore.

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Why am I Alone?

I sit in class without anyone to talk to.
I sit in front, surrounded by people, yet I still feel so alone.
I sit in class, and I want to scream my head off.
 
During lunch time, I sit with my friends.
They don't eat, and it makes me kind of sick to be the only one eating.

I see the guy I like...
I remind myself again and again, how it is just an infatuation.
His friends laugh at me.

I see my teachers.
I smile and pretend I'm okay.

I talk to my friends.
Hollow conversations and blank looks are all I get.
I want to scream.

Class ends, everyone walks off with their friends.
I walk by myself.
Thinking of the book I'm about to read.
Contemplating which playlist I should play.
I walk aimlessly.
A few minutes later, I end up at the library.
I sit at an empty seat, open my book, and plug my earphones in.

Why am I alone? I ask myself.

Two hours later, the car arrives.
I sleep all the way home.
I get a text from my dad, he's amazing.
I get home and I see my mom, she's amazing.
I give her a kiss on the cheek and walk towards my room.

Here I find solace.
My haven.
Where I can cry and cut, but still I am alone.

Why am I alone? I ask myself. 

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Broken Strings

I grab the guitar slowly, as not to damage it.

The moment the guitar settles on my thighs, I hear myself exhale.

The feeling of pure contentment.

I smile and place my fingers on the chords.

I strum gently at first, but quicker as the song approaches the chorus.

One chord after another, and as the song nears to the end, I exhale again a little louder this time.

The feeling of pure jubilation. 

 

Suddenly, he comes in.

He opens the door loudly, I squirm.

He roars, "Little asshole, are you playing that fucking guitar again?! What the fuck is wrong with you, playing the guitar with no strings! Fucking crazy!"

His words burn and I arch my head down, so he doesn't see the tears fall. 

He pulls my hair and screams, "Look at me when I'm fucking talking to you. Are you fucking crying?!"

"No... I'm not." I wipe my tears.

He takes the guitar from my hands and smashes the body. I see the head of the guitar decapitated from its body.

"You little useless asshole. I was better off when you weren't here. I wish you were never born."

I run my fingers to the scar right on my arm.

He blared, "Your mother isn't here anymore, you little bitch."

His fusing mad, I see his pupils dilate; that was the last thing I saw.

I was missing from school, but they didn't know until a week after.

The police didn't question him, till two weeks after.

He told them I was out that night with a couple of friends, and I never came back.

He says he assumed I'd be back in a few days. He turns on his alligator tears, and paced nervously when they left.

One month after, my body was found in a nearby lake by a dog, he must've found the foul smell.

My face was pale, my lips were blue, my throat was torn from inside out, my fingernails contained no color, and in my back pocket was a bloody guitar head with one string.

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Mistakes Of Humanity.

We are all mistakes of humanity.
We feel too little and judge too much.
We use words against each other, rather than use words to comfort one another.
We make utilities for war, to stop the war.
We are all imbeciles, don't you see?
We are mistakes.
The only words in our vocabulary are hate, conflict, and war.
We take advantage of others misfortunes, and use money to control humanity.
We are robots. We have no hearts.
We have made a government.
A group of men meant to lead society to progress, but they mislead the nation instead.
Children are born with debt in their hands.
Poverty and famine are the new trends.
Countries, one by one, are killing each other off.
Instead of helping each other, we discriminate and hate.
We are impotent human beings.
We teach children of peace and love, but they are born into a world of war and indifference.

Our minds are being controlled by the media.
When the television says buy this, you buy it.
When the television says eat this, you eat it.
When the television says you need this, you start needing it.
When the television says hate this, you hate it.
When the television says be a slave, you become a slave.
Just for the sake of conformity.

Why can't we all be different and still belong?
Why do we have to leave people out?
Why do we judge too much?
Why are our hearts filled with hate that there is no more room for love?
 

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Worse.

Everything is getting worse.

Today, I saw myself die.
I had an epiphany. Dejavu, if you must.
Dream, vision, realization or any other synonyms you could think of. 

But anyways, today I saw myself die.
I saw myself get jack-hammered to death.
I saw my pale face and my cold eyes.
I saw the dry blood, that earlier ran through my body to the broken pavement where I lie.
I saw the way my legs were positioned when it hit me. Bended, like I wanted to run away.
It hit me right below my heart was supposed to be and above where my lungs were placed.
My lips were agape, as if something incredible was happening.
But it wasn't a special occasion.
It was just my death.

The weird thing is I wasn't really afraid.
I wasn't scared at all of dying.
I don't know why.
The fear faded away.
Like my life was yesterday.

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Oh, the night time blues.

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6/27/14

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Javert's Suicide

And does he know
That granting me my life today
This man has killed me even so?

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Unattached

I don't like getting attached.
Because once I do, it's really hard to get unattached.

My best friend is one of those people you could call insensitive.
A cool combination, huh?
The overly-sensitive me and my overly-insensitive best friend.
He is very very very immature.
I am not kidding. He has the mental age of a kid.
Which is awesome because I have the mental mind of an adult.
What can I say, maybe opposites do attract.
 
Every time I'm with him I feel like a kid.
Like I have absolutely no problems, at all.

The problem is I think I might have become way too attached to him.
I'm scared that one day when he leaves, I'll have no one to REALLY talk to.

Everyone thinks I'm so excited about the future, but no, I just appear to be.

Honestly, I'm so afraid.

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Not A Love Story (the online crush)

“Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.”
― Alfred Tennyson, In Memoriam 

The Online Crush

The Story: 5 months after 'The First Kiss', I met him.
Unconventional as it sounds, we met through facebook. (before you start judging, it was through a mutual friend, who introduced us beforehand)
A tall young man with an adorable sense of humor, we talked all night and texted all day.
He sang to me, and made me laugh.
I thought I'd never meet someone I could trust again.
I mean, I didn't want to get my hopes up.
We didn't see each other much, because we went to different schools.
Although, video calls and all night talks compensated for that.
He always knew what to say.
He was silly and immature, yet adorable and charming at the same time.
As much as I restricted myself from getting my hopes up, it didn't work, so when the fling was over, my hopes crashed and burned. Big time.

Why It Didn't Work Out: It's weird but I think likes a friend of mine. Whenever we were together, he would ask about that friend of mine. I was pissed and insulted both at the same time. My self-esteem came from 2% to 0.1% just like that. He made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Like he was the better person. I was discouraged and depressed. To make matters worse, he stopped talking to me altogether.

I don't really know why he is in this list...
We weren't necessarily in a relationship, but the fooling and the douchebaggery just pinned him here. 

The Letter:

Hi,

Good day, friend.
You made it really clear that we were no more than that, didn't you?
So what was that flirting all about?
Didn't you have anything better to do?
Was it no more than just a charity, because you thought I'd be lucky enough that someone like you would settle for someone like me.
I know I'm not pretty and thin, like the other girls.
You didn't have to tell me that.

I wasn't really surprised when you left, I mean I knew sooner or later you would.
I just thought you would explain before you threw me out.
I deserved that much.

We weren't really together for that long, but you sir are an asshole.
You knew I was vulnerable, and so you made your move.
You wanted a real relationship? No.
What you wanted was someone to show off to your friends.
You wanted someone who will shower you with compliments when you are having a bad day.
You never wanted me.
You wanted a gullible girl, who you could fool long enough so your friends would think you're cool.
You wanted a girl to show your brothers, so that they'd be impressed.

And so, I wish you all the best.
I wish you would have better days than I did.
I know beneath that tough exterior, you're a pretty nice guy.
It wouldn't hurt to open up once in a while.
People would think you're more approachable that way.

Again, I wish you all the best and I apologize profusely for calling you an a-hole.

From,
Me

PS: Jokes aside, if you want to meet that friend of mine, text me.
I'll send you her number.

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Compliments

Honestly, compliments freak me out.
I literally don't know how to take a compliment.
It isn't a humility thing, I just really don't see myself worth much.
So when people tell me things like..
'You're cute/pretty.'
I will automatically assume they are being sarcastic and reply with a very awkward smile.
So if you are one of the people that have been victimized by my unusual awkwardness, I apologize.

Simple things like, a guy smiling at me or anyone smiling at me.
Will make me assume I look like shit and everyone is laughing at me.

Maybe it is just the way my brain is wired.
To never learn to take compliments.
So to the guy I was chatting with on chatroulette, I'm sorry I disconnected.
When you called me sexy I was aghast, but then I felt insecure.
But thanks anyways, random guy from United States, VA.
You made my day.

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It's 1AM again.

I've been so preoccupied.
I can't even sleep anymore.
Anyways, tomorrow is the first day of class.

I'm so scared of what everyone will think of me.
I can see it now...
Their thoughts in bubbles above their heads, like those you see in comics.
'She gained weight.'
'Dang, fattie. Lose some weight.'
'Look at that whale.'

Everything is a blur, but I can hear laughing and mocking.
Judgmental eyes.
Gossiping tongues.

I don't want to go to school.
It's way too hard.

The teachers teach you what you don't need to learn.
Why don't they teach stuff like taxes, terrorism, economy recession, etc?
The things that you will actually use in life.

I hate the educational system.

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Philippine Music

I used to be really in love with Asian music.
Like Thai Pop, Korean Pop, Japanese Rock, Chinese Pop, Malaysian Music and Philippine Music.

But nowadays, I feel like all the music that I hear are trying way too hard to fit in. Especially Philippine music.

Hale, Sponge Cola, Kamikazee, they were all great artists. They were actually the absolute reason why I got into Philippine music. The lyrics were really pure and the beat was really great. Although, now that I find more recent OPM (Original Philippine Music), I was really shocked by what I found. The music video's were way too scripted, and the music was horrible. Everything just plainly sucked. The artists that they used are good-looking and lack practice. They based the whole video on their 'dashing good looks' and 'great curves'. There was no singing, no band, everything was so poppy, fake, and auto-tuned. Unlike the ORIGINAL OPM. What happened to plain old Parokya Ni Edgar? They replaced great bands, with guys who don't even sing on their own music video. Get your shit together, OPM.

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Women Empowerment

Our society is dominated by men. Even though both sides fight for equality, we know where this is going to end. Men don't think women are tough enough, Men don't think women can handle the real world. Not independent enough, etc.

Women are just as tough as men, and men can be just as weak as women.
Men and women have strengths and weaknesses, that's just the way the world works.
Why do the men dominate our generation? Because we allow them to.
We aren't fighting hard enough to defend our rights.

Men are making double standards for the opposite sex, just because they can.
Men are making women inferior to them, just because they can.
Men are fighting because they don't think women will fight back.

Why don't we change the system?
Why don't we dominate the system?
Why don't we put the system in an equilibrium state?

Think about it, do you really want to be second to a man just because of your gender?
Women deserve quality.

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YOLO

Let me tell you a little story...

I am a teenager, and as much as I adore my fellow teens, I prefer my computer to talk to. You wanna know why? That was a rhetorical question. Of course you do. Because some of the people that I come across are snobs and are ignorant to political and economical issues. They think that the word, 'nincompoop' is hilarious. How am I supposed to have a proper conversation with a person that uses abbreviations in every sentence? I understand people who use slr, btw, omw, brb, etc. But those people who OmG iLy TyP3 LIkE tHisSs seriously aggravates me. 

PUCK FROM GLEE DID NOT WRITE ONE LOVE, IT WAS BY BOB MARLEY.

THE BEATLES MADE HISTORY, ONE DIRECTION IS NOT BIGGER THEN THE BEATLES.

JUSTIN BIEBER IS A TEENAGER SWALLOWED UP IN FAME AND SHOWBIZ. 

VIOLENCE AND DRUGS IS NOT COOL, JUST BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE DO IT, DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO.

YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE. AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU ARE THE ONE WHO CHOSE TO DO THE THINGS YOU DO.

YOLO IS NOT COOL. SERIOUSLY, NOT COOL. SWAG ISN'T COOL EITHER. STOP ABUSING THE WORD.

WEARING YOUR JEANS WITH YOUR ASS SHOWING IS NOT FASHION. 

INSULTING OTHER PEOPLE BECAUSE OF THEIR RACE, GENDER, RELIGION, ETC. IS DOUCHEBAGGERY.

JUDGING OTHER PEOPLE BY WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE IS BEING A SHALLOW PRICK.

EDUCATE YOURSELF WITH THINGS.
DON'T BE IGNORANT.
DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE.

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Tiger Parents: Excellence or Abomination

 “The fact is that Chinese parents can do things that would seem unimaginable-even legally actionable-to Westerners. Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, "Hey fatty-lose some weight." By contrast, Western parents have to tiptoe around the issue, talking in terms of "health" and never ever mentioning the f-word, and their kids still end up in therapy for eating disorders and negative self image.”

“Western parents try to respect their children’s individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they’re capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits, and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.”  

“Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't.”
 
― Amy Chua, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

I am a child of two amazing Asian parents, and I'd like to take this time to just talk about that.
Parenting.

Honestly, Asian parents don't give a rats ass about your self esteem. They don't care whether you get hurt with what they are saying. It's a clear example of 'tough love'.
As a teenager, it really stings when they tell you how useless you are, or how worthless you can be. Sometimes, they call you stupid and a moron.
I mean, my parents aren't exactly tiger parents. My parents allow me to go to the mall with my friends, maybe twice or three times a month, and yes the first quotation is true. Parents can actually say that to their children, to lose weight because we're too fat. When I was a kid, they threw me small parties. Now as a teenager, every year on my birthday, we go out to eat. Sometimes, we don't. It's just the way things work around here. My parents don't have time for us. They both own their own businesses, so when they get home they watch a little television and go to sleep. I'm not asking for a whole weekend with them, but I really love it when they'd ask me about my day and actually listen to what I have to say.

I'm not sure yet, but I might be struggling with depression. (if you haven't figured it out from my past posts) And that isn't really a big deal here. I hide it with simple words, such as I'm fine, I'm okay, I'm sick, I'm just a little tired. And no one really figures it out. Psychological problems don't exist here.

My grandmother is a very traditional person. She likes to do things her own way. Most of the time getting into fights with my dad and my uncles because she doesn't listen. If you think tiger parents are tough, then you should meet my grandmother. It isn't necessarily hard to live with her, but she could be nicer. The matter of the fact is she just doesn't give a damn about what other people think about her. Which is one of the few things, I love about having an Asian culture. 

Having an Asian culture isn't really curse. (no it isn't a delight either)
It really grows on you, somehow.
Having tiger parents, I think that they empower too much and try to control their children as much as they can.
Maybe it's the love or their personal strive for excellence.
But after all that we still owe them everything.
Either way, we all know we can't do anything about it.
So, suck it up and smile like nothing is wrong.

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[Personal Post]

Ticked off.
It's not that I hate my sister.
She just drives me nuts, sometimes.
And right now, she's coming off a bit kind of like a bitch.

When happened to the day when little sisters were pure and innocent?
Now, they are devious and immature.
Selfish and conceited.
And it just ticks me off, how selfish she is about the things she has.
Shoes, clothes. Everything.

You know those friends that seem to borrow everything.
But when you try to borrow something it is either lost or someone else borrowed it.

That's kind of like how my sister is acting right now.
She can be a real bitch sometimes.
She borrows my clothes, asks me for advice, borrows my shoes.
But once, just once.
I try to borrow her shoes, she goes ballistic.

Anyways, my day is starting out pretty bad.
I hope yours is much much better. 

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

-Buddha

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[Personal Post]

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The Generation of Idiots

We are so engaged in our lives, that we often forget how to interact with other people.

Honestly, I think we are all selfish people.
We are a generation of idiots.
We let greed and the government's manipulation control us.
We have technology that screams the idea of connecting the human world together, yet we use them to push other ideas away.
We use them to pass time and to create conflict.

Why do we allow ourselves to be fooled by people who allow greed to rule their worlds?
Why don't we contribute to world peace, instead of rivalry?
Why do we let money rule the world?
Why do we let technology pull us further apart?

The difference can start with you.
You can make a change. 

I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality... I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.

-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Why don't you do something about it?

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