I honestly have been better.But today the clouds are rolling in again.I don't know...I'm currently in the restroom; I locked myself in the last cubicle and cried. Right now, I'm writing to you and I don't even know what about.I have this horrible pang in my heart. It is screaming multiple times, saying "YOU ARE STUPID" again and again.Maybe I am stupid and lazy and fugly.I don't really know what important...
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Dear Friend,
My heart pounds heavily.
I whisper, I am better now.
I honestly am.
I am healing and the scars on my thighs and wrists are fading.
I got through this.
Don't get me wrong, I still cry but I have stopped cutting.
It's amazing.
It's a different feeling.
The feeling of self control.
Everything honestly gets better.
Do not give up.
I fought my demons off, it took a while but I did.
And I won.
I'm still...
Sunday, August 17, 2014
I'm not worth it.
Every day is a journey.Every day I travel so far and so long.Looking for something that I know isn't there.Hope.I cry at night thinking of how worthless I am.I don't want to feel this way anymore.I hope that one day I'd have the courage to do what he did.To just cut myself till I bleed to death. To...
Thursday, August 14, 2014
I can't keep living like this.Smiling whenever I know I need to.I just can't anymore.I'm sick and tired of everything.I'm stuck in this hole and no one wants to help me out.I'm just too messed up to be fix...
Teacher(s)
Why?The only question I could ask is why. Why do you judge me like that? I see your eyes, your judgmental eyes. I bite my lips till I taste blood covering my mouth. I'm so ashamed. Please don't judge me like that. You are so ignorant. You are educated but ignorant. You are not fit to be teacher. You shame me till I'd want nothing but to be dead. Everyday I want to go home because of you. You...
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
The Letter
Today, I cried in school.
I was slapped, but it really didn't hurt.
So Mei, it's not your fault.
It's mine.
Please don't bear guilt in your heart.
It's not your fault, it's mine.
I'm sorry.
Today, I cried in school.
Mam, I'm sorry I acted without thinking.
I'm really sorry.
I was stupid and immature.
I hope I can make it up to you.
My guilt is filling up and I don't know what to do.
Except to say...
Dear Friend,
How are you?
I hope you have been better.
I on the other hand have not.
Everything is all wrong.
I feel so defenseless, the pain and the misery is here to stay.
I want to kill the monsters inside me, but I can't.
My cuts are getting bigger and there are now cuts on my thighs.
I've tried screaming, but no one is listening.
So don't you tell me that I didn't try to ask for help.
Because I did...
Monday, July 28, 2014
Dear Friend,
The reason I haven't written in a while is because I thought things would get better, and they did. For a while.
I thought that things would be great after the storm, but the storm came back and I honestly don't know what to do.
I stopped cutting but I started bruising myself. Above my cuts, bruises are all I see. I honestly am so lost.
I really didn't want to get attached but I did, and I thought...
Friday, July 18, 2014
Dear Friend,
I've sick for a few days now.
I'm still not better...
Turns out I have lumps in my throat.
The doctor says I have to get an x-ray soon, I hope that it won't be anything serious.
I'm sorry I haven't written anything for the past few days...
I hope you are well.
Your friend,
E.L.E....
Monday, July 14, 2014
Dear Friend,
How are you?
I hope you are doing better, as am I.
Tomorrow I will be going back to school, I hope I could hide my scars from them.
I have 10 new scars and a bruise on my hand.
I'm a mess right now.
Yes, it is midnight and my thoughts have drifted away again.
I guess I'll be crying myself tonight as well.
My nights are getting worse.
My mom told me I should stop watching depressing movies, sadly...
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Dear Friend,
I just finished watching The Perks Of Being A Wallflower and I figured, I would write to you too who knows it might make me feel better.
Good Morning Afternoon.
It's really weird because lately I don't even look out my window anymore.
I rarely know what time it is and I don't stand up from my computer chair anymore, I just sit here and stare at my computer.
I'm worse than before.
I've been gone from...
Stuck
I stayed home today too.
I feel sick to my stomach when I remember I have to go back to school.
The people sicken me.
No one likes me there anyway.
I hate school.
My thoughts are caged and my mind is forced to memorize formulas and derivations.
My mind is broader than that.
I want to study politics and how the world works, not mathematics and chemistry.
I just want to be free from the chains that...
Friday, July 11, 2014
[MP3 LINK] The Letter, Game Over, The Darker Side by Jimmy Donn
I know how difficult it is to find downloads of Jimmy Donn's songs.
http://www.4shared.com/mp3/k-RzYPftba/Jimmy_Donn_The_letter_game_ove.htm...
Thursday, July 10, 2014
How My Day Went...
I'm going to tell you guys about my day...
(lol, as you can imagine it is going to be depressing, but it isn't that sad)
We had our class ceremony, in which our whole batch was in. So, our speaker was a really old lady, she was a Spanish teacher, in her early 80's. She was really slow and she has a really small build. Her hair was glistening white and she wore those old large framed glasses. She...
[Personal Post]
I honestly cannot count how many times I have thought of myself dead.
I honestly cannot think of anymore things to keep me alive.
I honestly would kill myself if I could.
I honestly want to just give up.
Killing myself is the easiest way out as of now.
Everything is a big blur.
I can't go on anymore.
But my family is there and basically that is the only thing that keeps me going.
I have no friends,...
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
There are actually people who go to my blog?
Okay, so for the first time ever, I checked my stats.
It turns out people are looking at my blog!
I apologize profusely for the very personal posts.
But this is just so exciting!
Anyways, if you have any thoughts or things, you'd like to share, feel free to comment!...
I've been watching independent films for a really long time now, and lately I've been addicted to a subsection of indie films. Violent films. Not exactly violent.
We Need To Talk About Kevin
This movie did not only feature one of my favorite actor, he acted superbly as well.
The ending was awesome, and everything just kind of fit together.
I fell in love with the movie, the first time I watched it.
O
O,...
Monday, July 7, 2014
Philippines: Lost in Corruption and Poverty
Bakit kayo nag mamakamangmang sa mga bobong politiko?
Kaya iniimbistigahan ng Sandiganbayan ang mga kurakot na yun ay dahil ang publiko ay pinapanood sila.
It would be the 'moral' thing to do.
Yes, DJ Mo might have stepped off the line a little bit, pero to show off your lavish lifestyle in the midst...
Thursday, July 3, 2014
[Personal Post]
I want to cry, but I seem to have lost my tears.
I don't think I can take one more day.
I keep pushing myself, but I just can't.
My heart is slowly starting to die.
I'm afraid, you see.
If I wasn't I would have killed myself already.
I can't take anymore of this.
I don't understand why I'm so different.
I ask God why I am like this.
My classmates are normal and they have stable emotions.
While I...
Why am I Alone?
I sit in class without anyone to talk to.
I sit in front, surrounded by people, yet I still feel so alone.
I sit in class, and I want to scream my head off.
During lunch time, I sit with my friends.
They don't eat, and it makes me kind of sick to be the only one eating.
I see the guy I like...
I remind myself again and again, how it is just an infatuation.
His friends laugh at me.
I see...
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Broken Strings
I
grab the guitar slowly, as not to damage it.
The moment the guitar
settles on my thighs, I hear myself exhale.
The feeling of pure
contentment.
I smile and place my fingers on the chords.
I strum gently
at first, but quicker as the song approaches the chorus.
One chord after
another, and as the song nears to the end, I exhale again a little
louder this time.
The feeling of...
Monday, June 30, 2014
Mistakes Of Humanity.
We are all mistakes of humanity.
We feel too little and judge too much.
We use words against each other, rather than use words to comfort one another.
We make utilities for war, to stop the war.
We are all imbeciles, don't you see?
We are mistakes.
The only words in our vocabulary are hate, conflict,...
Worse.
Everything is getting worse.
Today, I saw myself die.
I had an epiphany. Dejavu, if you must.
Dream, vision, realization or any other synonyms you could think of.
But anyways, today I saw myself die.
I saw myself get jack-hammered to death.
I saw my pale face and my cold eyes.
I saw the dry blood, that earlier ran through my body to the broken pavement where I lie.
I saw the way my legs...
Friday, June 27, 2014
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Unattached
I don't like getting attached.
Because once I do, it's really hard to get unattached.
My best friend is one of those people you could call insensitive.
A cool combination, huh?
The overly-sensitive me and my overly-insensitive best friend.
He is very very very immature.
I am not kidding. He has the mental age of a kid.
Which is awesome because I have the mental mind of an adult.
What can I say, maybe...
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Not A Love Story (the online crush)
“Tis better to have loved and lostThan never to have loved at all.”
―
Alfred Tennyson,
In Memoriam
The Online Crush
The Story: 5 months after 'The First Kiss', I met him.
Unconventional as it sounds, we met through facebook. (before you start judging, it was through...
Compliments
Honestly, compliments freak me out.
I literally don't know how to take a compliment.
It isn't a humility thing, I just really don't see myself worth much.
So when people tell me things like..
'You're cute/pretty.'
I will automatically assume they are being sarcastic and reply with a very awkward smile.
So if you are one of the people that have been victimized by my unusual awkwardness, I apologize....
Saturday, June 21, 2014
It's 1AM again.
I've been so preoccupied.
I can't even sleep anymore.
Anyways, tomorrow is the first day of class.
I'm so scared of what everyone will think of me.
I can see it now...
Their thoughts in bubbles above their heads, like those you see in comics.
'She gained weight.'
'Dang, fattie. Lose some weight.'
'Look at that whale.'
Everything is a blur, but I can hear laughing and mocking.
Judgmental eyes.
Gossiping...
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Philippine Music
I used to be really in love with Asian music.
Like Thai Pop, Korean Pop, Japanese Rock, Chinese Pop, Malaysian Music and Philippine Music.
But nowadays, I feel like all the music that I hear are trying way too hard to fit in. Especially Philippine music.
Hale, Sponge Cola, Kamikazee, they were all great artists. They were actually the absolute reason why I got into Philippine music. The lyrics were...
Women Empowerment
Our society is dominated by men. Even though both sides fight for equality, we know where this is going to end. Men don't think women are tough enough, Men don't think women can handle the real world. Not independent enough, etc.
Women are just as tough as men, and men can be just as weak as women.
Men...
Saturday, June 14, 2014
YOLO
Let me tell you a little story...
I am a teenager, and as much as I adore my fellow teens, I prefer my computer to talk to. You wanna know why? That was a rhetorical question. Of course you do. Because some of the people that I come across are snobs and are ignorant to political and economical issues. They think that the word, 'nincompoop' is hilarious. How am I supposed to have a proper conversation...
Tiger Parents: Excellence or Abomination
“The fact is that Chinese parents can do things that would seem
unimaginable-even legally actionable-to Westerners. Chinese mothers can
say to their daughters, "Hey fatty-lose some weight." By contrast,
Western parents have to tiptoe around the issue, talking in terms of
"health" and never ever mentioning the f-word, and their kids still end
up in therapy for eating disorders and negative...
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
[Personal Post]
Ticked off.
It's not that I hate my sister.
She just drives me nuts, sometimes.
And right now, she's coming off a bit kind of like a bitch.
When happened to the day when little sisters were pure and innocent?
Now, they are devious and immature.
Selfish and conceited.
And it just ticks me off, how selfish she is about the things she has.
Shoes, clothes. Everything.
You know those friends that seem...
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Monday, June 9, 2014
The Generation of Idiots
We are so engaged in our lives, that we often forget how to interact with other people.
Honestly, I think we are all selfish people.
We are a generation of idiots.
We let greed and the government's manipulation control us.
We have technology that screams the idea of connecting the human world together,...