Sweet ecstasy 

Ending in

Morbid fantasy

-2am thoughts

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I'm not worth it.

Every day is a journey.

Every day I travel so far and so long.

Looking for something that I know isn't there.

Hope.

I cry at night thinking of how worthless I am.

I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I hope that one day I'd have the courage to do what he did.

To just cut myself till I bleed to death. To jump off a tall building and feel the breeze against my body. Or to point a gun on my head and pull the trigger.

I don't know what I'm scared of anyways I just feel this zeal in my heart that I can't explain.

It stops me when I try to kill myself.

I want to do it quickly and painlessly as much as possible.

I don't know how though...

This world is just not my place.

I don't belong here, you see.

Every single day that I force myself to live is just one more push to the edge.

I am so close to the end yet so far. 

Is there something wrong with me?

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I can't keep living like this.

Smiling whenever I know I need to.

I just can't anymore.

I'm sick and tired of everything.

I'm stuck in this hole and no one wants to help me out.

I'm just too messed up to be fixed.

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Teacher(s)

Why?

The only question I could ask is why. Why do you judge me like that? I see your eyes, your judgmental eyes. I bite my lips till I taste blood covering my mouth. I'm so ashamed. Please don't judge me like that. You are so ignorant.  You are educated but ignorant. You are not fit to be teacher. You shame me till I'd want nothing but to be dead. Everyday I want to go home because of you. You know I am failing, yet you mock me. I'm so ashamed. If I do die, please do not come to my funeral, it will only burden you to do so. You hold the key to my future, yet you chose to throw it away. I work hard yet everything has turned to nothing. I am nothing because of you. You have made me nothing.

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The Letter

Today, I cried in school.
I was slapped, but it really didn't hurt.
So Mei, it's not your fault.
It's mine.
Please don't bear guilt in your heart.
It's not your fault, it's mine.
I'm sorry.

Today, I cried in school.
Mam, I'm sorry I acted without thinking.
I'm really sorry.
I was stupid and immature.
I hope I can make it up to you.
My guilt is filling up and I don't know what to do.
Except to say sorry...
Mam, I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
I'm sorry.

Today, I cried in school.
I'm sorry if you thought I laughed during prayer.
I was nervous.
It was a stutter not a laugh.
I'm sorry if you thought I was disrespectful.
Maybe I am.
And I'm sorry for that.

Today, I cried in school.
I saw their disappointed stares at me.
I'm sorry if I'm a disappointment at home and in school.
I didn't mean to be born this way.
I'm sorry.

Today, I cried in school.
My grades tell me I flunk.
I'm not worth it.
I'm so stupid.
Everything is just so shitty, and I'm sorry.

Today, I cried in school.
I'm sorry, Kevin, if I have been a burden for so long.
I really hope you find a better friend.
I'm sorry if I wasn't a better friend to you.
I only thought of myself and never thought of what you thought.
You'll always be my bestfriend, don't forget that.
I know I hurt you a lot, I'm sorry.

Today, I cried in school.
I'm really sorry for my friends, that they know someone like me.
Someone who has a shitload of problems, and cuts to get rid of them.
I'm really sorry you have to comfort someone like me.
I know it isn't worth it, and I'm sorry for wasting your time.
I'm sorry.

Today, I cried in school.
I didn't mean to.
I tried to hide it but I can't anymore.
My tears have run out and everything is blurred.
I'm sorry for being like this.
I'm really sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm really really sorry.

Please forgive me.

Today, I cried in school.
If ever do anything stupid tonight.
Please forgive me.

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Stuck

I stayed home today too.
I feel sick to my stomach when I remember I have to go back to school.
The people sicken me.
No one likes me there anyway.
I hate school.
My thoughts are caged and my mind is forced to memorize formulas and derivations.
My mind is broader than that.
I want to study politics and how the world works, not mathematics and chemistry.
I just want to be free from the chains that bind me to the ground. 

I know I have to go back on Monday.
Fuck everything.
No one knows how much pain I go through.

I ask myself.
Why? Why am I the only one who feels this way?
I look around and I see normal people.
Everyone seems so different from me.
They all seem so stable.
While here I am, a mess.

I haven't stopped crying myself to sleep, hoping nobody else hears.
I don't know what else to do.
I'm stuck.

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How My Day Went...

I'm going to tell you guys about my day...
(lol, as you can imagine it is going to be depressing, but it isn't that sad)

We had our class ceremony, in which our whole batch was in. So, our speaker was a really old lady, she was a Spanish teacher, in her early 80's. She was really slow and she has a really small build. Her hair was glistening white and she wore those old large framed glasses. She started speaking, and she spoke slowly, letting the words roll out her lips. Her slowness eventually was entertainment for the other class so suddenly everyone started laughing. Loud chuckles, and small giggles. Obviously, it pissed her off, but in her age, I guess she would have had enough patience to let it go. Again, after a few minutes, I heard loud chuckles and giggles. She let it go, AGAIN.

I am really pissed about this, because personally, I really do have high respect for people who are older than me.
Especially, those above 60.
It's kind of a tearjerker for me, when I see them having a hard time I kind of cry. (it's weird, i know.)
I just thought of how downhill the respect this generation has for older people, and it kind of enrages me.

Think of your own grandparents, and your own family, going through that. In front of a large amount of people.
What kind of heartless assholes are you?
I am so ashamed to be in the same school as you are.
Do you know how petrifying that was for me to watch?
Do you know how disrespectful that was?
To laugh at someone like that?
In a few years, you will probably not remember this day.
The day you made fun of an old lady.
But I will, this day will be stamped in my heart.
I will always remember the day, I approached that old lady on her way home, and apologized for the immaturity of my batch mates. She simply told me, "I've been teaching in this school for so long, I rarely get mad anymore, but thank you. Thank you." I smiled and quickly turned my head around, because my tears were starting to fall.    

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[Personal Post]

I honestly cannot count how many times I have thought of myself dead.
I honestly cannot think of anymore things to keep me alive.
I honestly would kill myself if I could.
I honestly want to just give up.

Killing myself is the easiest way out as of now.
Everything is a big blur.
I can't go on anymore.
But my family is there and basically that is the only thing that keeps me going.
I have no friends, not anymore.
Today, I realized how replaceable I am.

I just can't stop thinking about death.
I'm not afraid of death itself, but I am afraid that I might miss a lot on life.
I mean my life is fucked up as it is.
But who knows everything might get better.

Today, I got pulled by the arm.
It hurts.

Today, I got screamed at by one of my bestfriends.
I, honestly, deserve it.
I fucked up, everything is just seriously fucked up.
I don't know how long I can go on.
My hand is slipping and I am about to fall.

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[Personal Post]

I want to cry, but I seem to have lost my tears.
I don't think I can take one more day.
I keep pushing myself, but I just can't.
My heart is slowly starting to die.

I'm afraid, you see.
If I wasn't I would have killed myself already.
I can't take anymore of this.

I don't understand why I'm so different.
I ask God why I am like this.
My classmates are normal and they have stable emotions.
While I don't.
I'm not asking for much, I just want to be like everyone else.

I have a theory.
Those who are pretty and/or thin get everything.
But, those who are ugly and/or fat get nothing.
I'm both ugly and fat so what does that make me.
Don't try telling me otherwise, just to make yourself feel better.
I tried telling myself how pretty and important I am.
You guys proved me wrong.
I actually have you guys to thank for that.

I'm so sick and tired of being tormented in my personal hell.
I'm fighting, but I can't take it anymore.

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Why am I Alone?

I sit in class without anyone to talk to.
I sit in front, surrounded by people, yet I still feel so alone.
I sit in class, and I want to scream my head off.
 
During lunch time, I sit with my friends.
They don't eat, and it makes me kind of sick to be the only one eating.

I see the guy I like...
I remind myself again and again, how it is just an infatuation.
His friends laugh at me.

I see my teachers.
I smile and pretend I'm okay.

I talk to my friends.
Hollow conversations and blank looks are all I get.
I want to scream.

Class ends, everyone walks off with their friends.
I walk by myself.
Thinking of the book I'm about to read.
Contemplating which playlist I should play.
I walk aimlessly.
A few minutes later, I end up at the library.
I sit at an empty seat, open my book, and plug my earphones in.

Why am I alone? I ask myself.

Two hours later, the car arrives.
I sleep all the way home.
I get a text from my dad, he's amazing.
I get home and I see my mom, she's amazing.
I give her a kiss on the cheek and walk towards my room.

Here I find solace.
My haven.
Where I can cry and cut, but still I am alone.

Why am I alone? I ask myself. 

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Broken Strings

I grab the guitar slowly, as not to damage it.

The moment the guitar settles on my thighs, I hear myself exhale.

The feeling of pure contentment.

I smile and place my fingers on the chords.

I strum gently at first, but quicker as the song approaches the chorus.

One chord after another, and as the song nears to the end, I exhale again a little louder this time.

The feeling of pure jubilation. 

 

Suddenly, he comes in.

He opens the door loudly, I squirm.

He roars, "Little asshole, are you playing that fucking guitar again?! What the fuck is wrong with you, playing the guitar with no strings! Fucking crazy!"

His words burn and I arch my head down, so he doesn't see the tears fall. 

He pulls my hair and screams, "Look at me when I'm fucking talking to you. Are you fucking crying?!"

"No... I'm not." I wipe my tears.

He takes the guitar from my hands and smashes the body. I see the head of the guitar decapitated from its body.

"You little useless asshole. I was better off when you weren't here. I wish you were never born."

I run my fingers to the scar right on my arm.

He blared, "Your mother isn't here anymore, you little bitch."

His fusing mad, I see his pupils dilate; that was the last thing I saw.

I was missing from school, but they didn't know until a week after.

The police didn't question him, till two weeks after.

He told them I was out that night with a couple of friends, and I never came back.

He says he assumed I'd be back in a few days. He turns on his alligator tears, and paced nervously when they left.

One month after, my body was found in a nearby lake by a dog, he must've found the foul smell.

My face was pale, my lips were blue, my throat was torn from inside out, my fingernails contained no color, and in my back pocket was a bloody guitar head with one string.

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Worse.

Everything is getting worse.

Today, I saw myself die.
I had an epiphany. Dejavu, if you must.
Dream, vision, realization or any other synonyms you could think of. 

But anyways, today I saw myself die.
I saw myself get jack-hammered to death.
I saw my pale face and my cold eyes.
I saw the dry blood, that earlier ran through my body to the broken pavement where I lie.
I saw the way my legs were positioned when it hit me. Bended, like I wanted to run away.
It hit me right below my heart was supposed to be and above where my lungs were placed.
My lips were agape, as if something incredible was happening.
But it wasn't a special occasion.
It was just my death.

The weird thing is I wasn't really afraid.
I wasn't scared at all of dying.
I don't know why.
The fear faded away.
Like my life was yesterday.

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Oh, the night time blues.

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6/27/14

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Unattached

I don't like getting attached.
Because once I do, it's really hard to get unattached.

My best friend is one of those people you could call insensitive.
A cool combination, huh?
The overly-sensitive me and my overly-insensitive best friend.
He is very very very immature.
I am not kidding. He has the mental age of a kid.
Which is awesome because I have the mental mind of an adult.
What can I say, maybe opposites do attract.
 
Every time I'm with him I feel like a kid.
Like I have absolutely no problems, at all.

The problem is I think I might have become way too attached to him.
I'm scared that one day when he leaves, I'll have no one to REALLY talk to.

Everyone thinks I'm so excited about the future, but no, I just appear to be.

Honestly, I'm so afraid.

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Compliments

Honestly, compliments freak me out.
I literally don't know how to take a compliment.
It isn't a humility thing, I just really don't see myself worth much.
So when people tell me things like..
'You're cute/pretty.'
I will automatically assume they are being sarcastic and reply with a very awkward smile.
So if you are one of the people that have been victimized by my unusual awkwardness, I apologize.

Simple things like, a guy smiling at me or anyone smiling at me.
Will make me assume I look like shit and everyone is laughing at me.

Maybe it is just the way my brain is wired.
To never learn to take compliments.
So to the guy I was chatting with on chatroulette, I'm sorry I disconnected.
When you called me sexy I was aghast, but then I felt insecure.
But thanks anyways, random guy from United States, VA.
You made my day.

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It's 1AM again.

I've been so preoccupied.
I can't even sleep anymore.
Anyways, tomorrow is the first day of class.

I'm so scared of what everyone will think of me.
I can see it now...
Their thoughts in bubbles above their heads, like those you see in comics.
'She gained weight.'
'Dang, fattie. Lose some weight.'
'Look at that whale.'

Everything is a blur, but I can hear laughing and mocking.
Judgmental eyes.
Gossiping tongues.

I don't want to go to school.
It's way too hard.

The teachers teach you what you don't need to learn.
Why don't they teach stuff like taxes, terrorism, economy recession, etc?
The things that you will actually use in life.

I hate the educational system.

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YOLO

Let me tell you a little story...

I am a teenager, and as much as I adore my fellow teens, I prefer my computer to talk to. You wanna know why? That was a rhetorical question. Of course you do. Because some of the people that I come across are snobs and are ignorant to political and economical issues. They think that the word, 'nincompoop' is hilarious. How am I supposed to have a proper conversation with a person that uses abbreviations in every sentence? I understand people who use slr, btw, omw, brb, etc. But those people who OmG iLy TyP3 LIkE tHisSs seriously aggravates me. 

PUCK FROM GLEE DID NOT WRITE ONE LOVE, IT WAS BY BOB MARLEY.

THE BEATLES MADE HISTORY, ONE DIRECTION IS NOT BIGGER THEN THE BEATLES.

JUSTIN BIEBER IS A TEENAGER SWALLOWED UP IN FAME AND SHOWBIZ. 

VIOLENCE AND DRUGS IS NOT COOL, JUST BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE DO IT, DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO.

YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE. AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU ARE THE ONE WHO CHOSE TO DO THE THINGS YOU DO.

YOLO IS NOT COOL. SERIOUSLY, NOT COOL. SWAG ISN'T COOL EITHER. STOP ABUSING THE WORD.

WEARING YOUR JEANS WITH YOUR ASS SHOWING IS NOT FASHION. 

INSULTING OTHER PEOPLE BECAUSE OF THEIR RACE, GENDER, RELIGION, ETC. IS DOUCHEBAGGERY.

JUDGING OTHER PEOPLE BY WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE IS BEING A SHALLOW PRICK.

EDUCATE YOURSELF WITH THINGS.
DON'T BE IGNORANT.
DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE.

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[Personal Post]

Ticked off.
It's not that I hate my sister.
She just drives me nuts, sometimes.
And right now, she's coming off a bit kind of like a bitch.

When happened to the day when little sisters were pure and innocent?
Now, they are devious and immature.
Selfish and conceited.
And it just ticks me off, how selfish she is about the things she has.
Shoes, clothes. Everything.

You know those friends that seem to borrow everything.
But when you try to borrow something it is either lost or someone else borrowed it.

That's kind of like how my sister is acting right now.
She can be a real bitch sometimes.
She borrows my clothes, asks me for advice, borrows my shoes.
But once, just once.
I try to borrow her shoes, she goes ballistic.

Anyways, my day is starting out pretty bad.
I hope yours is much much better. 

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

-Buddha

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[Personal Post]

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