“Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.”
―
Alfred Tennyson,
In Memoriam
The Online Crush
The Story: 5 months after 'The First Kiss', I met him.
Unconventional as it sounds, we met through facebook. (before you start judging, it was through a mutual friend, who introduced us beforehand)
A tall young man with an adorable sense of humor, we talked all night and texted all day.
He sang to me, and made me laugh.
I thought I'd never meet someone I could trust again.
I mean, I didn't want to get my hopes up.
We didn't see each other much, because we went to different schools.
Although, video calls and all night talks compensated for that.
He always knew what to say.
He was silly and immature, yet adorable and charming at the same time.
As much as I restricted myself from getting my hopes up, it didn't work, so when the fling was over, my hopes crashed and burned. Big time.
Why It Didn't Work Out: It's weird but I think likes a friend of mine. Whenever we were together, he would ask about that friend of mine. I was pissed and insulted both at the same time. My self-esteem came from 2% to 0.1% just like that. He made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Like he was the better person. I was discouraged and depressed. To make matters worse, he stopped talking to me altogether.
I don't really know why he is in this list...
We weren't necessarily in a relationship, but the fooling and the douchebaggery just pinned him here.
The Letter:
Hi,
Good day, friend.
You made it really clear that we were no more than that, didn't you?
So what was that flirting all about?
Didn't you have anything better to do?
Was it no more than just a charity, because you thought I'd be lucky enough that someone like you would settle for someone like me.
I know I'm not pretty and thin, like the other girls.
You didn't have to tell me that.
I wasn't really surprised when you left, I mean I knew sooner or later you would.
I just thought you would explain before you threw me out.
I deserved that much.
We weren't really together for that long, but you sir are an asshole.
You knew I was vulnerable, and so you made your move.
You wanted a real relationship? No.
What you wanted was someone to show off to your friends.
You wanted someone who will shower you with compliments when you are having a bad day.
You never wanted me.
You wanted a gullible girl, who you could fool long enough so your friends would think you're cool.
You wanted a girl to show your brothers, so that they'd be impressed.
And so, I wish you all the best.
I wish you would have better days than I did.
I know beneath that tough exterior, you're a pretty nice guy.
It wouldn't hurt to open up once in a while.
People would think you're more approachable that way.
Again, I wish you all the best and I apologize profusely for calling you an a-hole.
From,
Me
PS: Jokes aside, if you want to meet that friend of mine, text me.
I'll send you her number.
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so
vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means
that someone can get inside you and mess you up.”
― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones
Twice, I've been in love twice. Or so I think...
It might be infatuation, I'm not sure yet.
The First Kiss
I would never admit this if you, dear reader, would come up to me and ask me about this. But yes, we did. It was my first, and I regret it every single day.
How We Met: We live really close by, so when I took my 6PM walks, I would always see him. His brown hair and the way he ran his fingers through them, I was mesmerized by his perfection. When my friends would ask me about 'my type', they didn't know I was only describing him.
The Story: We've only been talking for a few months, but there was something different about him. (that's always the case, isn't it?) He was amazing. He was sensitive and sweet. He was charming. He had a smile that would never fail to make me grin, stupidly. He was immature and I found that cute. He would make promises, that we would last forever. Just thinking about both of us, making it through bumps and upside-downs, made all my days better. He always stood by me when I had my break downs. He listened when I needed to talk, he cried with me when I felt like breaking apart. The really sad thing is I actually believed in all his 'you and me together forever' bs.
Why It Didn't Work Out: One summer, I felt my depression coming back. The reason was, he wasn't there anymore. He started drifting further and further. He started getting addicted to games. He was different. Somehow, we got into this really big fight over the phone. Something about my friends not liking him. A week after, I texted him, "Hey, it might be best if we don't talk to each other anymore. It's for the best, I hope." He called and he called asking why, what he did wrong... The truth of the matter is, I didn't even realize he cared about me till that summer that we broke it off.
Oh, right. A month or two later, he has a new girlfriend.
The Letter:
Hi,
Good morning.
I don't really know how to start this letter. (which is really weird cause lately I always know what to say)
You are a really important person, to me anyway.
You were my first.
First assumed boyfriend, first all night talk, first valentine, first infatuation, first kiss.
You told me you loved me.
You listened to me throughout my breakdowns.
You understood when I told you why I cut.
You told me things, you knew I wanted to hear.
I really loved hearing your voice.
The way you would laugh.
The way your voice would crack when you were sad.
The silly way you would talk when you wanted to make me laugh.
I think you should know that I dreaded the day I would force myself to write you a letter.
Because no matter how much pride I have, I knew one day I would let my guard down.
You were my kryptonite, and I still haven't figured out how you managed to use that against me.
Turns out, you are every girl's kryptonite.
You knew what girl's wanted to hear, you knew when to cry with them and when to make them smile.
I believed everything that you told me.
I was young and stupid. Really stupid.
You were a really big mistake.
I hated myself after you left. I felt like shit and I cried for days.
You always knew how strong I was, but in a span of a few weeks you got me to let you in.
I never let anyone in, because I knew how much it would hurt when they mess you up.
You messed me up and somehow I've always blamed myself.
Please take care of your new girlfriend.
I don't really know her that well, but she must be a lovely person.
Don't text other girls, because she will get mad, I guarantee it.
Don't waste your time with video games, not all girls like guys who spend the day in front of the computer.
Make her feel special.
Don't prioritize basketball. Spend time with her, not the court.
Introduce her to your family, it will make her feel important.
Lastly, don't tell her you love her until you really mean it.
Do it right this time, okay?
Don't mess this one up.
You should know that until now, I still think of you.
Don't flatter yourself, I don't think of you that way.
As a friend or as someone important.
Anyways, I hope you are doing well.
Always be happy, okay?
As am I.
From,
Me
