Dear Friend,

The reason I haven't written in a while is because I thought things would get better, and they did. For a while.
I thought that things would be great after the storm, but the storm came back and I honestly don't know what to do.
I stopped cutting but I started bruising myself. Above my cuts, bruises are all I see. I honestly am so lost.
I really didn't want to get attached but I did, and I thought about what would happen in the future and I just started breaking down again. 
I remember saying, "Everything is so fucked up. " again and again, till I fell asleep.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm in so much pain.
My tears have run out and I've started cutting my thights.
It's stupid, I know.
I really thought everything would be different but it's not.
I just thought that my thighs would have more space to cut, since I'm fat and everything. 

Oh yeah, by the way.
Everyone around have stopped eating.
When my two of my best friends stopped eating, that I could take. 
But now, EVERYONE stopped eating.
I've started sticking my fingers into my throat now.
I don't do it constantly instead when I'm hungry I drink water, but I still get called fat.
I don't know what else to do to lose all this weight.
I just want to be beautiful, like everyone else is. 
Is that too much to ask?

I want to cut again and again.
I just can't take anymore of this...
I'm so sick of everything.  

Your friend,
E.L.E.

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Dear Friend,

I've sick for a few days now.
I'm still not better...
Turns out I have lumps in my throat.
The doctor says I have to get an x-ray soon, I hope that it won't be anything serious.
I'm sorry I haven't written anything for the past few days...
I hope you are well.

Your friend,
E.L.E.

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Dear Friend,

How are you?

I hope you are doing better, as am I.
Tomorrow I will be going back to school, I hope I could hide my scars from them.
I have 10 new scars and a bruise on my hand.
I'm a mess right now.
Yes, it is midnight and my thoughts have drifted away again.
I guess I'll be crying myself tonight as well.
My nights are getting worse.
My mom told me I should stop watching depressing movies, sadly they are the only ones I could relate with.
I'm getting worse and worse everyday and it just generally sucks.
I can't stand on my feet and everything is just bad right now.

I'll get better soon.
I hope.

Your friend,
E.L.E.

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Dear Friend,

I just finished watching The Perks Of Being A Wallflower and I figured, I would write to you too who knows it might make me feel better.

Good Morning Afternoon.
It's really weird because lately I don't even look out my window anymore.
I rarely know what time it is and I don't stand up from my computer chair anymore, I just sit here and stare at my computer.
I'm worse than before.
I've been gone from school for two days now.
People aren't worried about me, you know, they just want to know what happened so they could have something to tell their friends the next day.
I've lost hope and the faith to live.
I can't keep track of time and everything has just turned to crap.
I honestly cannot take one more day of 'smiling'.
I just can't pretend to be something I am not.
I'm not happy okay? I never am and never will be.

I'm currently reading Les Miserables.
It's for my book report, and yes I chose it.
The Miserable's, interesting title huh?
It's a really good book.
It is about a man who goes to jail for stealing bread and a man who is obsessed with justice that he follows this man until the end. Through out the story there are sub-plots and the story ends with a whole lot of deaths.
I want to send you a copy...
If I do, please make sure you read it with precision and emotion.
Inhale the words with your eyes, drink the emotions with your heart.

Anyways, I hope you are well.
Expect a few letters from me soon.

Your companion,
E. L. E.

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Stuck

I stayed home today too.
I feel sick to my stomach when I remember I have to go back to school.
The people sicken me.
No one likes me there anyway.
I hate school.
My thoughts are caged and my mind is forced to memorize formulas and derivations.
My mind is broader than that.
I want to study politics and how the world works, not mathematics and chemistry.
I just want to be free from the chains that bind me to the ground. 

I know I have to go back on Monday.
Fuck everything.
No one knows how much pain I go through.

I ask myself.
Why? Why am I the only one who feels this way?
I look around and I see normal people.
Everyone seems so different from me.
They all seem so stable.
While here I am, a mess.

I haven't stopped crying myself to sleep, hoping nobody else hears.
I don't know what else to do.
I'm stuck.

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[MP3 LINK] The Letter, Game Over, The Darker Side by Jimmy Donn

I know how difficult it is to find downloads of Jimmy Donn's songs.

http://www.4shared.com/mp3/k-RzYPftba/Jimmy_Donn_The_letter_game_ove.html

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How My Day Went...

I'm going to tell you guys about my day...
(lol, as you can imagine it is going to be depressing, but it isn't that sad)

We had our class ceremony, in which our whole batch was in. So, our speaker was a really old lady, she was a Spanish teacher, in her early 80's. She was really slow and she has a really small build. Her hair was glistening white and she wore those old large framed glasses. She started speaking, and she spoke slowly, letting the words roll out her lips. Her slowness eventually was entertainment for the other class so suddenly everyone started laughing. Loud chuckles, and small giggles. Obviously, it pissed her off, but in her age, I guess she would have had enough patience to let it go. Again, after a few minutes, I heard loud chuckles and giggles. She let it go, AGAIN.

I am really pissed about this, because personally, I really do have high respect for people who are older than me.
Especially, those above 60.
It's kind of a tearjerker for me, when I see them having a hard time I kind of cry. (it's weird, i know.)
I just thought of how downhill the respect this generation has for older people, and it kind of enrages me.

Think of your own grandparents, and your own family, going through that. In front of a large amount of people.
What kind of heartless assholes are you?
I am so ashamed to be in the same school as you are.
Do you know how petrifying that was for me to watch?
Do you know how disrespectful that was?
To laugh at someone like that?
In a few years, you will probably not remember this day.
The day you made fun of an old lady.
But I will, this day will be stamped in my heart.
I will always remember the day, I approached that old lady on her way home, and apologized for the immaturity of my batch mates. She simply told me, "I've been teaching in this school for so long, I rarely get mad anymore, but thank you. Thank you." I smiled and quickly turned my head around, because my tears were starting to fall.    

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[Personal Post]

I honestly cannot count how many times I have thought of myself dead.
I honestly cannot think of anymore things to keep me alive.
I honestly would kill myself if I could.
I honestly want to just give up.

Killing myself is the easiest way out as of now.
Everything is a big blur.
I can't go on anymore.
But my family is there and basically that is the only thing that keeps me going.
I have no friends, not anymore.
Today, I realized how replaceable I am.

I just can't stop thinking about death.
I'm not afraid of death itself, but I am afraid that I might miss a lot on life.
I mean my life is fucked up as it is.
But who knows everything might get better.

Today, I got pulled by the arm.
It hurts.

Today, I got screamed at by one of my bestfriends.
I, honestly, deserve it.
I fucked up, everything is just seriously fucked up.
I don't know how long I can go on.
My hand is slipping and I am about to fall.

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There are actually people who go to my blog?

Okay, so for the first time ever, I checked my stats.
It turns out people are looking at my blog!
I apologize profusely for the very personal posts.
But this is just so exciting!

Anyways, if you have any thoughts or things, you'd like to share, feel free to comment!

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I've been watching independent films for a really long time now, and lately I've been addicted to a subsection of indie films. Violent films. Not exactly violent.

We Need To Talk About Kevin
This movie did not only feature one of my favorite actor, he acted superbly as well.
The ending was awesome, and everything just kind of fit together.
I fell in love with the movie, the first time I watched it.

O
O, made me cry. 
I'm going to read Othello soon, since it was based on that book.
It was a really nice movie.
By the end, I was pissed and ready was ready to rage.

Lol, I have more movies to tell you guys, but I'm pretty drained, so... See you all soon.

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Philippines: Lost in Corruption and Poverty

Bakit kayo nag mamakamangmang sa mga bobong politiko?
Kaya iniimbistigahan ng Sandiganbayan ang mga kurakot na yun ay dahil ang publiko ay pinapanood sila.
It would be the 'moral' thing to do.

Yes, DJ Mo might have stepped off the line a little bit, pero to show off your lavish lifestyle in the midst of the astounding poverty in the Philippines, is stupid and insensitive.
This is why I absolutely hate politics, it enrages me.
Taxes are supposed to be given to the poor, not to make the rich richer.

I guarantee you, when the public turns their heads to another political problem, the politicians will be back in their positions.
Kaya lang naman binabantayan sila ngayon ay dahil pinapanood sila ng publiko.
Nagpapakatanga tayo sa mga hampas-lupang magnanakaw na yan. 

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[Personal Post]

I want to cry, but I seem to have lost my tears.
I don't think I can take one more day.
I keep pushing myself, but I just can't.
My heart is slowly starting to die.

I'm afraid, you see.
If I wasn't I would have killed myself already.
I can't take anymore of this.

I don't understand why I'm so different.
I ask God why I am like this.
My classmates are normal and they have stable emotions.
While I don't.
I'm not asking for much, I just want to be like everyone else.

I have a theory.
Those who are pretty and/or thin get everything.
But, those who are ugly and/or fat get nothing.
I'm both ugly and fat so what does that make me.
Don't try telling me otherwise, just to make yourself feel better.
I tried telling myself how pretty and important I am.
You guys proved me wrong.
I actually have you guys to thank for that.

I'm so sick and tired of being tormented in my personal hell.
I'm fighting, but I can't take it anymore.

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Why am I Alone?

I sit in class without anyone to talk to.
I sit in front, surrounded by people, yet I still feel so alone.
I sit in class, and I want to scream my head off.
 
During lunch time, I sit with my friends.
They don't eat, and it makes me kind of sick to be the only one eating.

I see the guy I like...
I remind myself again and again, how it is just an infatuation.
His friends laugh at me.

I see my teachers.
I smile and pretend I'm okay.

I talk to my friends.
Hollow conversations and blank looks are all I get.
I want to scream.

Class ends, everyone walks off with their friends.
I walk by myself.
Thinking of the book I'm about to read.
Contemplating which playlist I should play.
I walk aimlessly.
A few minutes later, I end up at the library.
I sit at an empty seat, open my book, and plug my earphones in.

Why am I alone? I ask myself.

Two hours later, the car arrives.
I sleep all the way home.
I get a text from my dad, he's amazing.
I get home and I see my mom, she's amazing.
I give her a kiss on the cheek and walk towards my room.

Here I find solace.
My haven.
Where I can cry and cut, but still I am alone.

Why am I alone? I ask myself. 

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Broken Strings

I grab the guitar slowly, as not to damage it.

The moment the guitar settles on my thighs, I hear myself exhale.

The feeling of pure contentment.

I smile and place my fingers on the chords.

I strum gently at first, but quicker as the song approaches the chorus.

One chord after another, and as the song nears to the end, I exhale again a little louder this time.

The feeling of pure jubilation. 

 

Suddenly, he comes in.

He opens the door loudly, I squirm.

He roars, "Little asshole, are you playing that fucking guitar again?! What the fuck is wrong with you, playing the guitar with no strings! Fucking crazy!"

His words burn and I arch my head down, so he doesn't see the tears fall. 

He pulls my hair and screams, "Look at me when I'm fucking talking to you. Are you fucking crying?!"

"No... I'm not." I wipe my tears.

He takes the guitar from my hands and smashes the body. I see the head of the guitar decapitated from its body.

"You little useless asshole. I was better off when you weren't here. I wish you were never born."

I run my fingers to the scar right on my arm.

He blared, "Your mother isn't here anymore, you little bitch."

His fusing mad, I see his pupils dilate; that was the last thing I saw.

I was missing from school, but they didn't know until a week after.

The police didn't question him, till two weeks after.

He told them I was out that night with a couple of friends, and I never came back.

He says he assumed I'd be back in a few days. He turns on his alligator tears, and paced nervously when they left.

One month after, my body was found in a nearby lake by a dog, he must've found the foul smell.

My face was pale, my lips were blue, my throat was torn from inside out, my fingernails contained no color, and in my back pocket was a bloody guitar head with one string.

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