Mistakes Of Humanity.

We are all mistakes of humanity.
We feel too little and judge too much.
We use words against each other, rather than use words to comfort one another.
We make utilities for war, to stop the war.
We are all imbeciles, don't you see?
We are mistakes.
The only words in our vocabulary are hate, conflict, and war.
We take advantage of others misfortunes, and use money to control humanity.
We are robots. We have no hearts.
We have made a government.
A group of men meant to lead society to progress, but they mislead the nation instead.
Children are born with debt in their hands.
Poverty and famine are the new trends.
Countries, one by one, are killing each other off.
Instead of helping each other, we discriminate and hate.
We are impotent human beings.
We teach children of peace and love, but they are born into a world of war and indifference.

Our minds are being controlled by the media.
When the television says buy this, you buy it.
When the television says eat this, you eat it.
When the television says you need this, you start needing it.
When the television says hate this, you hate it.
When the television says be a slave, you become a slave.
Just for the sake of conformity.

Why can't we all be different and still belong?
Why do we have to leave people out?
Why do we judge too much?
Why are our hearts filled with hate that there is no more room for love?
 

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Worse.

Everything is getting worse.

Today, I saw myself die.
I had an epiphany. Dejavu, if you must.
Dream, vision, realization or any other synonyms you could think of. 

But anyways, today I saw myself die.
I saw myself get jack-hammered to death.
I saw my pale face and my cold eyes.
I saw the dry blood, that earlier ran through my body to the broken pavement where I lie.
I saw the way my legs were positioned when it hit me. Bended, like I wanted to run away.
It hit me right below my heart was supposed to be and above where my lungs were placed.
My lips were agape, as if something incredible was happening.
But it wasn't a special occasion.
It was just my death.

The weird thing is I wasn't really afraid.
I wasn't scared at all of dying.
I don't know why.
The fear faded away.
Like my life was yesterday.

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Oh, the night time blues.

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6/27/14

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Javert's Suicide

And does he know
That granting me my life today
This man has killed me even so?

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Unattached

I don't like getting attached.
Because once I do, it's really hard to get unattached.

My best friend is one of those people you could call insensitive.
A cool combination, huh?
The overly-sensitive me and my overly-insensitive best friend.
He is very very very immature.
I am not kidding. He has the mental age of a kid.
Which is awesome because I have the mental mind of an adult.
What can I say, maybe opposites do attract.
 
Every time I'm with him I feel like a kid.
Like I have absolutely no problems, at all.

The problem is I think I might have become way too attached to him.
I'm scared that one day when he leaves, I'll have no one to REALLY talk to.

Everyone thinks I'm so excited about the future, but no, I just appear to be.

Honestly, I'm so afraid.

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Not A Love Story (the online crush)

“Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.”
― Alfred Tennyson, In Memoriam 

The Online Crush

The Story: 5 months after 'The First Kiss', I met him.
Unconventional as it sounds, we met through facebook. (before you start judging, it was through a mutual friend, who introduced us beforehand)
A tall young man with an adorable sense of humor, we talked all night and texted all day.
He sang to me, and made me laugh.
I thought I'd never meet someone I could trust again.
I mean, I didn't want to get my hopes up.
We didn't see each other much, because we went to different schools.
Although, video calls and all night talks compensated for that.
He always knew what to say.
He was silly and immature, yet adorable and charming at the same time.
As much as I restricted myself from getting my hopes up, it didn't work, so when the fling was over, my hopes crashed and burned. Big time.

Why It Didn't Work Out: It's weird but I think likes a friend of mine. Whenever we were together, he would ask about that friend of mine. I was pissed and insulted both at the same time. My self-esteem came from 2% to 0.1% just like that. He made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Like he was the better person. I was discouraged and depressed. To make matters worse, he stopped talking to me altogether.

I don't really know why he is in this list...
We weren't necessarily in a relationship, but the fooling and the douchebaggery just pinned him here. 

The Letter:

Hi,

Good day, friend.
You made it really clear that we were no more than that, didn't you?
So what was that flirting all about?
Didn't you have anything better to do?
Was it no more than just a charity, because you thought I'd be lucky enough that someone like you would settle for someone like me.
I know I'm not pretty and thin, like the other girls.
You didn't have to tell me that.

I wasn't really surprised when you left, I mean I knew sooner or later you would.
I just thought you would explain before you threw me out.
I deserved that much.

We weren't really together for that long, but you sir are an asshole.
You knew I was vulnerable, and so you made your move.
You wanted a real relationship? No.
What you wanted was someone to show off to your friends.
You wanted someone who will shower you with compliments when you are having a bad day.
You never wanted me.
You wanted a gullible girl, who you could fool long enough so your friends would think you're cool.
You wanted a girl to show your brothers, so that they'd be impressed.

And so, I wish you all the best.
I wish you would have better days than I did.
I know beneath that tough exterior, you're a pretty nice guy.
It wouldn't hurt to open up once in a while.
People would think you're more approachable that way.

Again, I wish you all the best and I apologize profusely for calling you an a-hole.

From,
Me

PS: Jokes aside, if you want to meet that friend of mine, text me.
I'll send you her number.

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Compliments

Honestly, compliments freak me out.
I literally don't know how to take a compliment.
It isn't a humility thing, I just really don't see myself worth much.
So when people tell me things like..
'You're cute/pretty.'
I will automatically assume they are being sarcastic and reply with a very awkward smile.
So if you are one of the people that have been victimized by my unusual awkwardness, I apologize.

Simple things like, a guy smiling at me or anyone smiling at me.
Will make me assume I look like shit and everyone is laughing at me.

Maybe it is just the way my brain is wired.
To never learn to take compliments.
So to the guy I was chatting with on chatroulette, I'm sorry I disconnected.
When you called me sexy I was aghast, but then I felt insecure.
But thanks anyways, random guy from United States, VA.
You made my day.

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It's 1AM again.

I've been so preoccupied.
I can't even sleep anymore.
Anyways, tomorrow is the first day of class.

I'm so scared of what everyone will think of me.
I can see it now...
Their thoughts in bubbles above their heads, like those you see in comics.
'She gained weight.'
'Dang, fattie. Lose some weight.'
'Look at that whale.'

Everything is a blur, but I can hear laughing and mocking.
Judgmental eyes.
Gossiping tongues.

I don't want to go to school.
It's way too hard.

The teachers teach you what you don't need to learn.
Why don't they teach stuff like taxes, terrorism, economy recession, etc?
The things that you will actually use in life.

I hate the educational system.

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Philippine Music

I used to be really in love with Asian music.
Like Thai Pop, Korean Pop, Japanese Rock, Chinese Pop, Malaysian Music and Philippine Music.

But nowadays, I feel like all the music that I hear are trying way too hard to fit in. Especially Philippine music.

Hale, Sponge Cola, Kamikazee, they were all great artists. They were actually the absolute reason why I got into Philippine music. The lyrics were really pure and the beat was really great. Although, now that I find more recent OPM (Original Philippine Music), I was really shocked by what I found. The music video's were way too scripted, and the music was horrible. Everything just plainly sucked. The artists that they used are good-looking and lack practice. They based the whole video on their 'dashing good looks' and 'great curves'. There was no singing, no band, everything was so poppy, fake, and auto-tuned. Unlike the ORIGINAL OPM. What happened to plain old Parokya Ni Edgar? They replaced great bands, with guys who don't even sing on their own music video. Get your shit together, OPM.

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Women Empowerment

Our society is dominated by men. Even though both sides fight for equality, we know where this is going to end. Men don't think women are tough enough, Men don't think women can handle the real world. Not independent enough, etc.

Women are just as tough as men, and men can be just as weak as women.
Men and women have strengths and weaknesses, that's just the way the world works.
Why do the men dominate our generation? Because we allow them to.
We aren't fighting hard enough to defend our rights.

Men are making double standards for the opposite sex, just because they can.
Men are making women inferior to them, just because they can.
Men are fighting because they don't think women will fight back.

Why don't we change the system?
Why don't we dominate the system?
Why don't we put the system in an equilibrium state?

Think about it, do you really want to be second to a man just because of your gender?
Women deserve quality.

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YOLO

Let me tell you a little story...

I am a teenager, and as much as I adore my fellow teens, I prefer my computer to talk to. You wanna know why? That was a rhetorical question. Of course you do. Because some of the people that I come across are snobs and are ignorant to political and economical issues. They think that the word, 'nincompoop' is hilarious. How am I supposed to have a proper conversation with a person that uses abbreviations in every sentence? I understand people who use slr, btw, omw, brb, etc. But those people who OmG iLy TyP3 LIkE tHisSs seriously aggravates me. 

PUCK FROM GLEE DID NOT WRITE ONE LOVE, IT WAS BY BOB MARLEY.

THE BEATLES MADE HISTORY, ONE DIRECTION IS NOT BIGGER THEN THE BEATLES.

JUSTIN BIEBER IS A TEENAGER SWALLOWED UP IN FAME AND SHOWBIZ. 

VIOLENCE AND DRUGS IS NOT COOL, JUST BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE DO IT, DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO.

YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE. AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU ARE THE ONE WHO CHOSE TO DO THE THINGS YOU DO.

YOLO IS NOT COOL. SERIOUSLY, NOT COOL. SWAG ISN'T COOL EITHER. STOP ABUSING THE WORD.

WEARING YOUR JEANS WITH YOUR ASS SHOWING IS NOT FASHION. 

INSULTING OTHER PEOPLE BECAUSE OF THEIR RACE, GENDER, RELIGION, ETC. IS DOUCHEBAGGERY.

JUDGING OTHER PEOPLE BY WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE IS BEING A SHALLOW PRICK.

EDUCATE YOURSELF WITH THINGS.
DON'T BE IGNORANT.
DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE.

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Tiger Parents: Excellence or Abomination

 “The fact is that Chinese parents can do things that would seem unimaginable-even legally actionable-to Westerners. Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, "Hey fatty-lose some weight." By contrast, Western parents have to tiptoe around the issue, talking in terms of "health" and never ever mentioning the f-word, and their kids still end up in therapy for eating disorders and negative self image.”

“Western parents try to respect their children’s individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they’re capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits, and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.”  

“Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't.”
 
― Amy Chua, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

I am a child of two amazing Asian parents, and I'd like to take this time to just talk about that.
Parenting.

Honestly, Asian parents don't give a rats ass about your self esteem. They don't care whether you get hurt with what they are saying. It's a clear example of 'tough love'.
As a teenager, it really stings when they tell you how useless you are, or how worthless you can be. Sometimes, they call you stupid and a moron.
I mean, my parents aren't exactly tiger parents. My parents allow me to go to the mall with my friends, maybe twice or three times a month, and yes the first quotation is true. Parents can actually say that to their children, to lose weight because we're too fat. When I was a kid, they threw me small parties. Now as a teenager, every year on my birthday, we go out to eat. Sometimes, we don't. It's just the way things work around here. My parents don't have time for us. They both own their own businesses, so when they get home they watch a little television and go to sleep. I'm not asking for a whole weekend with them, but I really love it when they'd ask me about my day and actually listen to what I have to say.

I'm not sure yet, but I might be struggling with depression. (if you haven't figured it out from my past posts) And that isn't really a big deal here. I hide it with simple words, such as I'm fine, I'm okay, I'm sick, I'm just a little tired. And no one really figures it out. Psychological problems don't exist here.

My grandmother is a very traditional person. She likes to do things her own way. Most of the time getting into fights with my dad and my uncles because she doesn't listen. If you think tiger parents are tough, then you should meet my grandmother. It isn't necessarily hard to live with her, but she could be nicer. The matter of the fact is she just doesn't give a damn about what other people think about her. Which is one of the few things, I love about having an Asian culture. 

Having an Asian culture isn't really curse. (no it isn't a delight either)
It really grows on you, somehow.
Having tiger parents, I think that they empower too much and try to control their children as much as they can.
Maybe it's the love or their personal strive for excellence.
But after all that we still owe them everything.
Either way, we all know we can't do anything about it.
So, suck it up and smile like nothing is wrong.

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[Personal Post]

Ticked off.
It's not that I hate my sister.
She just drives me nuts, sometimes.
And right now, she's coming off a bit kind of like a bitch.

When happened to the day when little sisters were pure and innocent?
Now, they are devious and immature.
Selfish and conceited.
And it just ticks me off, how selfish she is about the things she has.
Shoes, clothes. Everything.

You know those friends that seem to borrow everything.
But when you try to borrow something it is either lost or someone else borrowed it.

That's kind of like how my sister is acting right now.
She can be a real bitch sometimes.
She borrows my clothes, asks me for advice, borrows my shoes.
But once, just once.
I try to borrow her shoes, she goes ballistic.

Anyways, my day is starting out pretty bad.
I hope yours is much much better. 

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

-Buddha

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[Personal Post]

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The Generation of Idiots

We are so engaged in our lives, that we often forget how to interact with other people.

Honestly, I think we are all selfish people.
We are a generation of idiots.
We let greed and the government's manipulation control us.
We have technology that screams the idea of connecting the human world together, yet we use them to push other ideas away.
We use them to pass time and to create conflict.

Why do we allow ourselves to be fooled by people who allow greed to rule their worlds?
Why don't we contribute to world peace, instead of rivalry?
Why do we let money rule the world?
Why do we let technology pull us further apart?

The difference can start with you.
You can make a change. 

I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality... I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.

-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Why don't you do something about it?

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[Personal Post]

Somehow, I wish I would have been born in another culture.
This is why I hope that the theory of multiverse does exist.
At least, another one of me is getting to live the life I want.
It's insane, isn't it?

I'm going to have to choose a career soon.
I don't know what it is like in your culture.
But raised in an Asian household, this is one of the most important choices of my life.
My parents keep on telling me how I have to take up Business, but still get the course that I want.
I am very confused.
I guess I'm going to take business, it's not like I have a choice.
I don't want to disappoint them.
I'm already a disappointment to both of them.
They don't tell me, but I can it in their eyes.
When they see me, their eyes say, "Mistake, mistake, mistake." Over and over again.

I want to sing and act and be someone important.
A politician, an actor, someone that can change lives.

I want to change lives.
I want to communicate and reach out to other people.
I want to travel and experience other cultures.
I don't want just to exist, I want to live.

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Creating a Gender Equilibrium

Modern day, male standards are way too damn high.
It's stupid for a man to require a woman to have a certain quality, before he starts dating her.
That's a double standard.

Speaking of double standards...
Why can men be assholes and when women act like bitches everyone loses their minds?
Why can men be overweight but, when women start eating more, everyone suddenly notices?
Why can men be 'blunt' and when women start speaking up, they are considered bossy?
Why is being naughty okay for boys (kids), but when girls start to act up, they have to act like a lady?
Why is it okay for guys to swear, but when girls do it, they are 'unladylike'?
Why is it cool for guys to randomly sleep with different girls, but a disgrace for women to do the same?

This is from FeatherDie on reddit.com

Right on about this stuff. With men I see a lot of, "He's a hard-ass, but he gets the job done and he's a good guy." and with women you just get, "She's a bitch.". She most likely gets the job done too, but nobody cares because she's not bending over backwards to be polite.

Boys will not be boys.
Boys are supposed to become men.
They aren't supposed to retain their immaturity.

Gender equality is a big thing.
Educate yourself on it.

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Small Bump

Oh, my little angel
Your smile so sweet
You tried to walk, using your own two feet.
Tender, perfect in every single way.
I want to see you, every single day.
Don't be scared of your many unmade plans
Spending many hours living in a trance.
A small bump in four months
You're brought to life.
Small bump in four months
You'll open your eyes.

Dreaming of every single day
We'll love.
Skin so white
I imagine, as a dove.
Caressing your little head
I adore.
For I will love you forever
I swore.

You're just a small bump unborn in four months
Then took from life.
Maybe you were needed up there
But we're still unaware as why.

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[Personal Post]

It's astounding, isn't it?
How you can give your whole heart to someone and suddenly they throw it and break it like it's worth nothing.
Makes me feel like I'm worth nothing.
It's so stupid how affected I still am.

I feel like crying and just giving up all the same time.
I know no one reads my stupid blog, it's just one of those things that are meant to be written but never read.
I just feel better, typing everything out.

I feel shitty today. You know why?
Just cause...
Everything is just plain shitty.

Like I know where I'm headed but still everything seems so foggy and I don't know which way to go.
I'm lost and no one's there to help me.

I'm sorry, I'm a lost cause.

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Not A Love Story (the first kiss)

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.”
― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones 

Twice, I've been in love twice. Or so I think...
It might be infatuation, I'm not sure yet.

The First Kiss

I would never admit this if you, dear reader, would come up to me and ask me about this. But yes, we did. It was my first, and I regret it every single day. 

How We Met: We live really close by, so when I took my 6PM walks, I would always see him. His brown hair and the way he ran his fingers through them, I was mesmerized by his perfection. When my friends would ask me about 'my type', they didn't know I was only describing him. 

The Story: We've only been talking for a few months, but there was something different about him. (that's always the case, isn't it?) He was amazing. He was sensitive and sweet. He was charming. He had a smile that would never fail to make me grin, stupidly. He was immature and I found that cute. He would make promises, that we would last forever. Just thinking about both of us, making it through bumps and upside-downs, made all my days better. He always stood by me when I had my break downs. He listened when I needed to talk, he cried with me when I felt like breaking apart. The really sad thing is I actually believed in all his 'you and me together forever' bs. 

Why It Didn't Work Out: One summer, I felt my depression coming back. The reason was, he wasn't there anymore. He started drifting further and further. He started getting addicted to games. He was different. Somehow, we got into this really big fight over the phone. Something about my friends not liking him. A week after, I texted him, "Hey, it might be best if we don't talk to each other anymore. It's for the best, I hope." He called and he called asking why, what he did wrong... The truth of the matter is, I didn't even realize he cared about me till that summer that we broke it off. 

Oh, right. A month or two later, he has a new girlfriend.

The Letter: 

Hi,

Good morning.
I don't really know how to start this letter. (which is really weird cause lately I always know what to say)
You are a really important person, to me anyway.
You were my first.
First assumed boyfriend, first all night talk, first valentine, first infatuation, first kiss.
You told me you loved me.
You listened to me throughout my breakdowns.
You understood when I told you why I cut.
You told me things, you knew I wanted to hear.

I really loved hearing your voice.
The way you would laugh.
The way your voice would crack when you were sad.
The silly way you would talk when you wanted to make me laugh.

I think you should know that I dreaded the day I would force myself to write you a letter.
Because no matter how much pride I have, I knew one day I would let my guard down.
You were my kryptonite, and I still haven't figured out how you managed to use that against me.
Turns out, you are every girl's kryptonite.
You knew what girl's wanted to hear, you knew when to cry with them and when to make them smile.

I believed everything that you told me.
I was young and stupid. Really stupid.
You were a really big mistake.
I hated myself after you left. I felt like shit and I cried for days.
You always knew how strong I was, but in a span of a few weeks you got me to let you in.
I never let anyone in, because I knew how much it would hurt when they mess you up.
You messed me up and somehow I've always blamed myself.

Please take care of your new girlfriend.
I don't really know her that well, but she must be a lovely person.
Don't text other girls, because she will get mad, I guarantee it.
Don't waste your time with video games, not all girls like guys who spend the day in front of the computer.
Make her feel special.
Don't prioritize basketball. Spend time with her, not the court.
Introduce her to your family, it will make her feel important.
Lastly, don't tell her you love her until you really mean it.
Do it right this time, okay?
Don't mess this one up.

You should know that until now, I still think of you.
Don't flatter yourself, I don't think of you that way.
As a friend or as someone important.

Anyways, I hope you are doing well.
Always be happy, okay?
As am I.

From,
Me

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Swag, WTF

Today, people piss me off more than usual, and that is weird cause I stayed home the whole day. 

Funny how little things can tick you off.

Okay, I just want to put this out there, but it's amazing how profoundly irrelevant some kids younger than I am can be. (Believe me, I'm not that old myself) I mean seriously, they've got boyfriends coming and going. When I was their age I couldn't even talk to the boy I liked. They have almost everything they could ask for, yet they turn out to be such brats. A kid in 7th grade, once showed me his middle finger and when I asked him if he knew what it meant, he smiled and said 'fuck.' and ran away. (I wanted to chase that little kid, but I was afraid I might look like a total lunatic.) 

You know what, maybe it's the way this generation welcomed those kids. With all the violence and foul words on TV, the way children are raised these days are different to how I/we was/were raised. I mean, they are surrounded by technology and modernization. While we were given, time and patience.

So yeah...
But the next time a kid comes up to me and swears at me, I swear, I'm going to...

Buy that kid a lollipop and have a good long talk.

These are some pictures I found while lurking on tumblr.

 

What is this swag you speak of?

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The Blind Side: From Poverty to the NFL

The Blind Side is absolutely one of the best movies I have ever seen.
Ever time I watch it, tears form.

And! I found this video of Michael Oher.

He's the best, an inspiration to all.
You go Michael Oher!

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#Selfie Generation

I came across this post saying, taking selfies means that you are a narcissist.

Narcissism: the pursuit of gratification from vanity, or egotistic admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, that derive from arrogant pride. 
 
This is absolutely outrageous. 

Taking a selfie, doesn't make you a less person than you already are.
Taking a selfie, doesn't mean you are egotistic and vain.
Taking a selfie is capturing all those beautiful moments. (With your face at an arms length)
It won't make you a different person, not a better person, not a worse one.
Do not generalize our generation, because we chose to be unique.
True, the funeral selfies are a bit much, but yeah...

Anyways, here are some selfie's I have found...

(1887, Vincent van Gogh pained a picture of himself wearing a straw hat)

 

(1914, yes this was Grand Duchess Anastasia Nikolaevna of Russia the daughter of Nicholas II)

(1839, by photography pioneer, Robert Cornelius)

(This one is from Gunner Thomas Charles Richmond Baker in 1917, he died a year after in Belgium.)

Some selfies, we're taken to commemorate men who joined the war. Just in case, they don't make it back, at least their families would have something to remember them by.

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