I'm not worth it.

Every day is a journey.

Every day I travel so far and so long.

Looking for something that I know isn't there.

Hope.

I cry at night thinking of how worthless I am.

I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I hope that one day I'd have the courage to do what he did.

To just cut myself till I bleed to death. To jump off a tall building and feel the breeze against my body. Or to point a gun on my head and pull the trigger.

I don't know what I'm scared of anyways I just feel this zeal in my heart that I can't explain.

It stops me when I try to kill myself.

I want to do it quickly and painlessly as much as possible.

I don't know how though...

This world is just not my place.

I don't belong here, you see.

Every single day that I force myself to live is just one more push to the edge.

I am so close to the end yet so far. 

Is there something wrong with me?

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I can't keep living like this.

Smiling whenever I know I need to.

I just can't anymore.

I'm sick and tired of everything.

I'm stuck in this hole and no one wants to help me out.

I'm just too messed up to be fixed.

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Teacher(s)

Why?

The only question I could ask is why. Why do you judge me like that? I see your eyes, your judgmental eyes. I bite my lips till I taste blood covering my mouth. I'm so ashamed. Please don't judge me like that. You are so ignorant.  You are educated but ignorant. You are not fit to be teacher. You shame me till I'd want nothing but to be dead. Everyday I want to go home because of you. You know I am failing, yet you mock me. I'm so ashamed. If I do die, please do not come to my funeral, it will only burden you to do so. You hold the key to my future, yet you chose to throw it away. I work hard yet everything has turned to nothing. I am nothing because of you. You have made me nothing.

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The Letter

Today, I cried in school.
I was slapped, but it really didn't hurt.
So Mei, it's not your fault.
It's mine.
Please don't bear guilt in your heart.
It's not your fault, it's mine.
I'm sorry.

Today, I cried in school.
Mam, I'm sorry I acted without thinking.
I'm really sorry.
I was stupid and immature.
I hope I can make it up to you.
My guilt is filling up and I don't know what to do.
Except to say sorry...
Mam, I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
I'm sorry.

Today, I cried in school.
I'm sorry if you thought I laughed during prayer.
I was nervous.
It was a stutter not a laugh.
I'm sorry if you thought I was disrespectful.
Maybe I am.
And I'm sorry for that.

Today, I cried in school.
I saw their disappointed stares at me.
I'm sorry if I'm a disappointment at home and in school.
I didn't mean to be born this way.
I'm sorry.

Today, I cried in school.
My grades tell me I flunk.
I'm not worth it.
I'm so stupid.
Everything is just so shitty, and I'm sorry.

Today, I cried in school.
I'm sorry, Kevin, if I have been a burden for so long.
I really hope you find a better friend.
I'm sorry if I wasn't a better friend to you.
I only thought of myself and never thought of what you thought.
You'll always be my bestfriend, don't forget that.
I know I hurt you a lot, I'm sorry.

Today, I cried in school.
I'm really sorry for my friends, that they know someone like me.
Someone who has a shitload of problems, and cuts to get rid of them.
I'm really sorry you have to comfort someone like me.
I know it isn't worth it, and I'm sorry for wasting your time.
I'm sorry.

Today, I cried in school.
I didn't mean to.
I tried to hide it but I can't anymore.
My tears have run out and everything is blurred.
I'm sorry for being like this.
I'm really sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm really really sorry.

Please forgive me.

Today, I cried in school.
If ever do anything stupid tonight.
Please forgive me.

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Dear Friend,

How are you?
I hope you have been better.

I on the other hand have not.
Everything is all wrong.
I feel so defenseless, the pain and the misery is here to stay.
I want to kill the monsters inside me, but I can't. 
My cuts are getting bigger and there are now cuts on my thighs.
I've tried screaming, but no one is listening.
So don't you tell me that I didn't try to ask for help.
Because I did tell you that I've started cutting again, if I kill myself tell them the truth...
That this world is corrupt and death was the only way out.

Everyone thinks I'm a failure.
The crack on the street.
A scratch on a polished window.
Everything is just shit now.

My family, my friends, my best friend, everyone is starting to leave and I can't catch up.
I wish I could be gone, just like that. 

I pray that everything would get better but nothing is happening.
Everything is still the same...

Your friend,
E.L.E.

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